Wanna know what I think? Well, I'll tell you what I think.

As you'll discover, my point of view is definitely different. Read my thoughts, learn a few things, have a chuckle.

January 1, 2003

My New Year's resolution this year is not to wait until the first of the year to make resolutions.

The FBI says five Middle Eastern men entered the U.S. illegally. We don't know if the names provided by the FBI are their real names or if the pictures are really their pictures. President Bush added that we're not even sure whether they are indeed in this country nor what their intentions are but, by golly, we'll find them! It's bad enough we have to fight real enemies, now we have to contend with imaginary fiends.

January 2, 2003

I recently created a cartoon about the scandal at the Los Alamos National Laboratory where employees where given government credit cards which they used to purchase many pieces of diamond jewelry, a custom Ford Mustang, a refrigerator, visits to strip clubs and much, much more. I've heard estimates of questionable transactions ranging from $5 million to $100 million. Expensive equipment is also missing from the Lab, presumably misappropriated by some employees.

Well, today, the Lab director, John Browne announced his resignation. Browne said he felt the recent controversy had so damaged the credibility of lab leaders that he needed to step aside to help the lab move forward. So far I haven't heard anyone mention restitution, fines or jail time. Does crime pay, sometimes? Well, the woman was prevented from taking delivery of that Mustang.

January 3, 2003

According to CBS News, "FDA inspectors found more than 200 safety violations by the Red Cross. Many of the violations were offenses the Red Cross has repeatedly been ordered to fix. The Red Cross shipped infected blood, failed to screen out risky donors, even some who admitted having HIV, and lost track of more than a thousand units, including small amounts infected with HIV or Hepatitis C. Some Red Cross employees were told to skip safety steps or falsify records to allow infected blood to be released.

Despite years of violations, the Red Cross has insisted things can't be that bad because not many people are getting sick from transfusions. But the new FDA report finds the Red Cross failed to adequately investigate infections to even determine if bad blood was to blame.

Critics say the Red Cross is counting on the fact that even if it's not managing the blood supply the way it should be, "nobody else is eager to have the job."

I recently created a cartoon that succinctly summarizes the outrage I feel at the Red Cross' attitude.

January 5, 2003:

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. I was dreaming I was in a strange place with scary-looking people who acted weird and spoke gibberish.

Memo to self: when I go to Hollywood make sure I don't move next door to the Osbournes.

January 6, 2003:

Everyone is beginning to suspect that the Raelians did not clone a baby. It seems they just made up the whole thing. Why? For the publicity of course. They are hoping that once everyone sees how beautiful, stylish, and intelligent the Raelians are, they will join their sect in droves. Will their hopes come true? There are better odds that they will succeed in cloning a baby.

January 7, 2003:

Update: The FBI cancelled its alert concerning the five Middle Eastern men who had supposedly entered the country illegally. It turns out it was all a hoax. Why didn't they consult me earlier?

It seems the Los Alamos National Laboratory can't get anything right! We learned today that Los Alamos allowed scientists from North Korea and Iraq to visit and work at the Lab which holds some of the nation's most sensitive secrets. No one checked to see if they were spies or terrorists or even if they had passports and visas. Two Los Alamos security officials quit after the security breaches came to light. Why is Wen Ho Lee the only one who had to endure the repercussions of his imprudent actions?

January 9, 2003:

Here a solecism from Forbes' website (the Poll Question): "Once U.S. President George W. Bush's economic stimulus plan goes through the Congressional ringer, what will be the tax on dividends?" Can you spot the error? Give up? While "ringer" might be a ringer for "wringer", it is not quite the same. You can add this solecism to the ones I listed in November.

January 13, 2003:

I heard these oxymorons on the news: "urban city" and "military war" against Iraq (as opposed to a rural city and a vicious verbal war?).

January 14, 2003:

It is a sad day for us righteous people. The Georgia Supreme Court has struck down a 170-year-old law that made it a crime for unmarried people to have sex. On a positive note, anti-fornication laws remain on the books in about 10 states and the District of Columbia. Hmmm, isn't D.C. the place where politicians get in bed with lobbyists every day? Courts have struck down such laws in three other states:

1-	Florida (I suspect under pressure from widowers better known as "condo studs" – ask your grandpa if you don't know what I mean),
2-	Virginia and
3-	New Jersey (sleeping with the fishes is no longer illegal, although it's still bad for your health).

In Washington State, a unwed teenage mother was prosecuted under the anti-fornication statute. She said: "we didn't fornicate, we just had sex" thereby justifying the raison d'être of the statute.

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The Baldwin School, a private girls' school in Philadelphia abandoned a project to send soap, toothbrushes and other items to Iraq after parents accused the school of advancing an anti-war agenda. Anti-war? Why that would be wrong! Pro-peace? How despicable!

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Joel Wit, a former State Department official said on CBS News regarding N. Korea, the Bush administration needs to understand "there are no good options and it has to choose the least worst—which is dialogue, not sanctions, or not cutting them off and isolating them." However, I noticed that he failed to say anything about the most best, the least best and the best worst options. With a name like Wit, it has to be witty, even if unwittingly.

January 15, 2003:

According to an item in the Reader's Digest, "swapping spit" is good for you because it boosts your immune system by inoculating you. In a different publication, the American Dental Hygienists' Association reports that 75 percent of the U.S. population has some form of periodontal gum disease. Hmmm, I think that from now on, I'll take a pass on that "inoculation."

January 16, 2003:

When they say "no pun intended", they're lying.

January 18, 2003:

I doubt President Bush will ever find the smoking gun he's looking for in Iraq. Like everyone else, guns have quit smoking.

January 19, 2003:

I used to dread my girlfriend's long monologues but now that her vagina has found its voice, I dread monologues even more.

January 20, 2003:

U.S. Bank, is sneaky. I got my credit card statement and tried to balance the account using Quicken. There was a difference of $90 between my Quicken records and the paper statement. I went over every transaction three times and still couldn't find the error. Then, finally, I saw it. On the very last page of the statement, near the bottom of the page, quite a distance from the last transaction, it said in small print: "annual fee $90, thank you." Every transaction on the statement is listed on its own line with a date and an amount. Why treat the annual fee differently? It's obvious to me that the bank did not want me to notice the fee so I wouldn't object. The tactic must work because in previous years I did not use Quicken and did not notice the fee. I was sure my card didn't carry an annual fee. I promptly closed my account with U.S. Bank and saved myself $90. I wonder how many others are paying the fee without realizing it.

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I also saved $10 by using an OfficeMax coupon to ship a package free through their shipping center.

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Finally, by examining a statement from my insurance company, I realized my doctor had been reimbursed for a test that he had me pay for out of pocket. I called the doctor's office and they said they would refund my $50.

Total saved today: $150.

If I manage to save this much every day this year, I will end up saving $54,750. Not bad, eh?

Now, if I can get my readers to be a little more generous with their donations, I'll be set. Then, I can write a book about how I did it. Wait, didn't some woman already do something like that?

January 21, 2003:

The beauty of marrying within the family is you'll never get divorced. What would be the point? You and your ex would still be family.

January 22, 2003:

A girl on American Idol sobbed uncontrollably because Simon called her "Kelly Osbourne." Upon hearing that, Kelly Osbourne started crying too. Did Kelly cry because Simon meant it as an insult or because the girl took it as an insult?

Isn't it amazing that people will sleep in the street for two days to get in front of the judges and make complete fools of themselves? When the judges tell them they didn't hit a single note, they refuse to believe them. This leads me to the conclusion that, in addition to not smelling ourselves and not seeing ourselves as we really are, we Humans don't even hear ourselves. Our great capacity for self delusion must be a survival mechanism.

January 24, 2003:

My Big Fat Greek Wedding is still playing in theaters and the star and screenwriter of the movie, Nia Vardalos, is laughing all the way to the bank. I noticed two concessions to American tastes:

1) whereas Nia grew up in Winnipeg, the film is set in Chicago. Why do filmmakers always assume that the American public will not dig a movie unless it's set in America? Are we that narrow-minded?

2) premarital sex in this "family-oriented" movie. A true "nice Greek girl", as Nia calls herself, would not have succumbed. But Vardalos, Rita Wilson, and Tom Hanks must have figured the movie wouldn't sell without at least a pinch of sin.

Thanks for her first movie role, Nia is now on a roll. She's had an audience with Queen Elizabeth. She will write and star in "Connie and Carla", a comedy about two dinner-theater singers who go undercover as Los Angeles drag queens. In other words, she will play a woman who poses as a man who dresses as a woman. Wow! I believe Nia would be very believable as a drag queen. She will also star in a sitcom on CBS that will be called My Big Fat Greek Life. Rumors has it CBS would prefer the more politically correct "My Big Weight-Challenged Greek Life."

Help! I am suffering from Big Fat Greek overload!!!

January 25, 2003

According to the AP: "A drug raid today on a South Side Chicago home led to the discovery of a foster child chained to a bed. The chain was wrapped around the three-year-old boy's neck and held in place with a padlock. The boy wore a soiled diaper wrapped in a plastic bag. According to police, the boy's foster mother, Mary Bryant, 64, said he was chained because he stole food."

I hope she gets a taste of her own medicine when she's in the slammer. She should be chained in her cell and her food placed just out of her reach. Then we'll see how she likes them apples!

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I saw on the news an Iraqi who was clutching a file folder and got into the vehicle of one of the U.N. inspectors. The Iraqi police dragged him out of the vehicle while he was begging the inspectors to save his life. This might have been someone who had valuable information about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and the inspectors just let him be carted off to be tortured and possibly executed. Then they will say they can't find any evidence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. How Inepto!

January 26, 2003:

In a book entitled "1421: The Year China Discovered America", a Briton claims that a Chinese fleet of 800 junks and support ships circumnavigated the globe in two years, with extensive exploration of the Americas, before Magellan and Columbus. The Vikings, the Phoenicians, the Japanese, and now the Chinese? It might be easier to list who hasn't beaten poor old Chris to America. The author says a walnut farmer from Sacramento told him that he found a Chinese junk in his backyard which predates Columbus. After further investigation, it was revealed that something had been lost in the translation from American English to British English. The Sacramentan had actually said that he had a ton of Chinese-made junk which he had bought before Columbus Day.

January 27, 2003

Spec. Cameron Carson in Kuwait said on the news: "I'm just here to do a job. If it means I have to go and kill somebody else to get home, I'll do that." Then he probably added: I get to do something I love and get paid doing it. I am the luckiest man on Earth.

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A medical Inepto: a man who received a liver transplant in Australia developed a life-threatening allergy. It turned out the liver had come from a fifteen-year old who had died of an allergic reaction to peanuts. Instead of getting big bucks, the doctors are the ones who should have gotten peanuts.

January 28, 2003:

Have you noticed how much salt they put in everything? I don't mean in salty food. I mean in foods that are supposed to be sweet like cereal and pudding. It makes the food taste bad and it's bad for you. Why do they do it? I called General Mills and the rep said they do it to "enhance taste." That's Inepto! Making a sweet food taste salty in no enhancement.

January 30, 2003:

Did you see the story on the Today Show? Hotels now have chefs for dogs! The chefs prepare $19 filet mignons for the dogs. The dogs' owners give them bottled water to drink. Tap water won't do. When they go back home, the dogs don't have to put up with dog food there either: one woman said her dog has a personal chef at home. Does the law permit sending someone to jail for revolting behavior? I am a dog lover but blowing your money this way when people are starving is simply unconscionable. Is this country going to the dogs? Is this a sign of the decadence of the American empire?

January 31, 2003:

Zambia's president still refuses to distribute thousands of tons of American corn to his starving people because he says the corn hasn't been proven safe to eat. I guess it's safer to die of starvation.

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