All Rights Reserved
© 2003. No portion of my work may be used without my permission.
Wanna know what I
think? Well, I'll tell you what I think.
As you'll discover, my point of view is definitely different. Read my thoughts, learn a few things, have a chuckle.
David Schwimmer has
a unique last name. Is it because he can't schpell? Or does he have trouble pronounching
chertain wordsh? I wonder if he's related to Sir Sean Connery?
American women spend
$3 billion per year on breast implants and related procedures (such as removal of leaking
implants). For that amount of money, you could give 300,000 people a college education. I
can hear you protesting: "a mind is a terrible thing to waste but a small chest is an
even more terrible thing to behold."
The dictionary says
a boob is "a stupid or foolish person." How appropriate since only a boob would
spend a fortune developing her boobs rather than her brains! If you have no brains and no
chest, at least you can buy a chest, right?
And the men aren't
better. If they weren't attracted to women with two huge silicone balls hanging off their
chests, women wouldn't get the operation. If you know they're fake
and you still like them, then you deserve the woman you get.
If you've never done it before,
I highly recommend flying on Virgin Atlantic Airways. You can relax by listening to Radio Free Virgin
and drinking Virgin Cola.
When you arrive, you can buy a CD at a Virgin Megastore and catch a movie at a Virgin Cinema
before boarding a Virgin
Train. When you arrive at your destination, a Virgin Limousine
will whisk you to your house. When you're finally ready to lose your virginity, you can
find everything you need for the big day at Virgin Brides. Even after the marriage is consummated,
you can continue to live the Virgin Experience by going on exciting adventures planned
by the company. Yes, these are all actual companies created by Richard Branson, my role
model. There are many more "Virgins" I haven't even mentioned.
On the other hand,
if you're easy,
then wing it with easyJet.
Someone like you will appreciate the fact that it's really cheap. And why stop there?
After you get off, you can get it on in an easyCar. Easy come, easy go -- if you charge it all to
your easyMoney
VISA. Since you like to go (easy) all the way, you'll love doing your
shopping at an easyEverything
store. These easy
offerings are all courtesy of Stelios Haji-Ioannu, who's also based in the
So there you go,
whether you're easy or a virgin, you'll find a rich, eligible entrepreneur to fulfill all
your needs.
If you decide to
start a company, be sure to invest a reasonable amount of time coming up with a name you
won't outgrow, unlike these geniuses:
- NetZero no longer
provides free Internet access. It now charges $9.95 per month.
- In the twenty
first century, Century21 is no longer an avant garde company. But then again, they never
thought they would last this long.
- The American
Association of Retired Persons is no longer just for "retired persons" so now
they just go by "AARP."
- Kentucky Fried
Chicken thinks the word "fried" will turn off health-conscious consumers so it
legally changed its name to KFC.
- Most of General
Electric's business comes from things completely unrelated to electricity so now it's
officially known as GE.
- The Soup
Connection serves "much more than just soup."
-
- SBC, née
Southwestern Bell Corp., found the "southwestern" designation too limiting since
it bought Pacific Bell.
- Microsoft is now a
mega corporation and it plays hardball. It's going to change its name to Megahard. OK, I
made this last one up.
As you can tell from
these examples, a lot of companies end up changing their name to a meaningless acronym.
It's meaningless by necessity: they want to forget the meaning attached to the original
name. KFC wants you to forget the "fried" and AOL wants you to forget "
Here is my brilliant idea: instead
of having to expensively recreate a new corporate identity, start with a meaningless
acronym from day one. FRD, OPK, LRS, JHW… Go crazy. Or come up with a name that
doesn't mean anything like Nike or Häagen-Dazs and give it whatever meaning you want.
Nike is now synonymous with athletic shoes.
Upside of the
Internet: you don't need a travel agent to book your own ticket. Downside of the Internet:
if you're stupid, you'll end up in the wrong place. Frequently, folks who want to go to
If you are an idiot,
you're better off letting a travel agent book your ticket. But, if you're an idiot, you
won't be smart enough to know that you need a travel agent. Quite a quandary!
Conclusion: you are
doomed to ending up in
Why is it that the
guys at the gym who wear the sleeveless shirts are always the ones with the hairiest
armpits?
Why does the
building code require an exhaust fan or window in every residential bathroom but not in
public bathrooms where they're really — and I mean REALLY — needed?
Why do so many
people feel the urge to cut you off to get in your lane when there's no one else behind
you for miles?
Why is it that
whenever a medical professional needs to get really close to you during an examination
(think dentist or ophthalmologist), he or she invariably has awfully bad breath?
On 60 Minutes, they
showed a guy who had donated sperm 200 times and had earned $10,000 as a result. And to
think most people go around donating their sperm for free!
A girl who had just turned 18 tracked him down as the sperm donor who fathered her.
They met and now have a great relationship. However the man has decided he would not
reveal his identity to any other offspring who might turn up. He's afraid of being
overwhelmed by dozens or even hundreds of offspring. Shouldn't he have thought of that
BEFORE he donated the sperm?
People in the
fertility industry say children conceived with donated sperm should never be told the
truth. That means the children won't even have the correct medical history, which could be
a matter of life and death. It is unethical to lie to someone about a matter so fundamental as where they came from. If it were up to me, I would
ban the entire practice of sperm donation.
If you can't conceive, then adopt.
There are millions of orphans throughout the world who are desperate to be adopted.
This is an excerpt
of an article that appeared today on CNN.com: "During the hearing, a [House
Government Reform] committee staffer showed how easy it is to access pornographic images.
The staffer performed a Google search to reach Kazaa, then once on Kazaa searched for
Britney Spears. Hundreds of downloadable files then appeared on the screen."
I am sure Britney
Spears will be thrilled to know that pictures of her are considered pornography. Sure she
dresses provocatively but pornography? Come on!
According to Dr.
Arjun Makhijani, head of the Institute for Energy and Environmental Research, "in
twelve Midwestern states, there is enough wind potential to generate three times the U.S.
production of electricity."
Do you know what this means? Quite
simply that we would no longer need fossil fuels! We would be able to use the electricity
to produce plenty of hydrogen to power our cars,
eliminating the need for foreign oil. We would virtually end pollution, global warming,
environmental degradation, and more. If we can spend $100+ billion on the war in
The oil companies
and the military-industrial complex were in support of the war. Who is in support of wind
energy? Certainly not the windbags in D.C. who want to maintain their monopoly on hot air.
I was watching a
documentary about birds. Those cute, innocent little creatures.
Well, it turns out they can be pretty cunning. Oy! There is a certain species that goes
into the nests of other species, throws the eggs overboard, and lays its own eggs in their
place. That way, they get other birds to raise their chicks. They are able to pass on
their genes without any of the hard work. Come to think of it, it's what some people do as
well. They reproduce and then give up their children for adoption, to be raised by others.
"Hey, I get to have fun, I get to reproduce, and someone else gets the privilege of
raising my cherubic child. What's there to complain about?"
When forests are
clear-cut, the top soil is washed away and new trees may never get to take root, leaving a
desert wasteland. Why not cut down just the mature trees (which also happen to make the
best lumber) and leave all the other trees standing? By opening up the canopy, such
selective logging will actually reinvigorate the forest. Every time I've come across a
clear-cut mountain, I've thought to myself, why don't try a different way?
You can't imagine
how happy I was today when I came across an article about Iisaak Forest Resources on
Just like there is symbol for
recycled paper, there should be a symbol for paper and wood products made from
sustainably-harvested lumber. The more people buy such products, the more other companies
will have an incentive to change their logging methods.
If a journalist
doesn't know the difference between "by", "bye", and "buy",
you should tell her: "bye, bye, bye."
If a writer writes
"lose" when he means "loose", it's a lose-lose
(or perhaps a "lose-loose").
The Tree of
Knowledge referred to in the Bible in relation to the original sin makes a lot of sense.
Once we acquire certain knowledge, we can never go back. Once humanity discovered how to
make an atom bomb, it could never unlearn it. Once we can clone human beings,
that knowledge will be with us forever. The story in the Bible is a cautionary
tale. Be careful about the knowledge you seek. Once you know those boobs are fake, it will never be the same. You're better off not knowing.
Peter Arnett was
fired by NBC today for comments he made on Iraqi television. Jobless
in
Note to my fans: I'll be taking a break to travel and work on other projects. See you in June!
All Rights Reserved
© 2003. No portion of my work may be used without my permission.