Wanna know what I think? Well, I'll tell you what I think.

As you'll discover, my point of view is definitely different. Read my thoughts, learn a few things, have a chuckle.

November 2, 2003

There is one boy name I think should be retired. Read the paragraph below and try to guess what name I am alluding to.

When the whoremaster was arrested, he refused to give his name so he was booked under a fictitious name. He claimed he didn't hold down a job, that he just did odd jobs. He asked to use the bathroom. The moaning indicated he was masturbating in there. He had to get the job done, even it meant taking things into his own hands. When the officer ordered him to come out, he tried to bribe the cop with money. That only added to the counts against him, which goes to show how little he knew. When his wife learned of the sordid affair, she wrote to him a letter requesting a divorce, telling him what an ass he was.

Now here is the same paragraph, with the boy name substituted for its synonyms. In order to reveal the name, highlight the paragraph below by clicking and dragging.

When the John was arrested, he refused to give his name so he was booked as John Doe. He claimed he didn't hold down a job, that he was just a jack. He asked to use the John. The moaning indicated he was jacking off in there. He had to get the job done, even it meant taking things into his own hands. When the officer ordered him to come out, he tried to bribe the cop with jack. That only added to the counts against him, which goes to show that he didn't know jack. When his wife learned of the sordid affair, she wrote to him a dear John letter requesting a divorce, telling him what a jack he was.

November 4, 2003

Most houses in this country are damn ugly. The majority of builders don't employ architects. Even large builders. They simply buy their plans for $2 from the same few companies whose designers obviously lack any taste. Who else would make the garage so prominent that it dominates the entire façade of the house like the gaping mouth of an angry monster? The front door is set back from the garage, cowering timidly in its shadow. A profusion of gables of all shapes and sizes cavalcades impetuously across the roof. To top it all off, gaudy vinyl siding envelops the faux masterpiece like a cheap polyester leisure suit.

A large builder in my city has a rule that no two adjacent homes in his subdivisions can have the same color anything. The roof has to be a different color than that of the neighbors. Ditto for the siding, shutters, garage door, etc. These are houses that cost upwards of a quarter million dollars but the subdivisions look like ramshackle favellas pieced together with disparate, mismatched scavenged materials. The paradox is that those houses sell! Which goes to prove that the denizens of my city are just hicks. No, I won't tell you where I live, lest I be tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail.

And what do you get for a quarter to a half million dollars? An impregnable castle? No! A frail house that the big bad wolf can blow in.

Strong winds? Kiss your roof goodbye.

Tremors? The whole thing collapses like a house of cards.

Fire? The house is made of wood; you do the math.

Surely a big house like that will not be afraid of a little critter called a termite? Wrong again! Your "castle" to them is like an edible swimsuit to me. Yum!

Vinyl on the outside, wood in the middle, gypsum and paper on the inside. One swift kick between the studs and you have a porthole.

Speaking of portholes... a flood? You've got yourself a boat.

A house built out of reinforced concrete is virtually impervious to all the aforementioned dangers. It only costs 10% more to build. In the long term, it will save a lot of money since it costs less to insure and to maintain. Why don't people demand concrete houses? They only look at the initial cost and don't consider the total cost of ownership. It's a myopic view.

If the three little pigs can learn their lesson, why can't we?

November 7, 2003

Since the TSA took over security at airports in February 2002, more than 8 million prohibited items have been intercepted or voluntarily surrendered. That number includes 59,503 box cutters, 2,851,102 knives and 1,652 firearms. Who are these idiots who are trying to bring this arsenal on planes, especially after 9/11? Don't just confiscate their arms, give them a one-way ticket to Saudi Arabia.

November 8, 2003

Various things I've been wondering about lately:

How come there's no Vienna Girls' Choir? It would certainly cut down on turnover as their voices will never crack.

Does Goodyear change its name when it has a bad year?

If "it's not about the money" then why do they always ask for money? Just ask for an admission and an apology if that's what you're really after.

Are wet nurses really wet? Haven't they heard of breast pads?

The other nurses, do they not nurse or do they use breast pads to avoid being "wet"?

If a ladies' man likes ladies, isn't a man's man supposed to like men?

How come it only takes minutes to father a child but 18 years to mother one?

Forget about Waldo, what I really want to know is where's Saddam?

November 10, 2003

People always say I am a gentle soul

I never harm any creatures, big or small.

They say "he wouldn't harm a fly"

but the accuracy of that I must deny

because I would harm a fly. Ditto

for a for a wasp or a mosquito.

I would even poison a rat or a mouse...

if the nasty critter came into my house.

November 12, 2003

The "unwashed masses" has become a misnomer. What with indoor plumbing and Procter & Gamble's relentless marketing, the American masses have become "washed". P&G is relentless is in its drive to unearth new body odors to fight. But now that we have total body spray and that women wear pads every day of the month to keep their underwear clean, what new bodily frontiers can P&G conquer? I say to P&G: focus your efforts overseas where you'll find unwashed masses aplenty.

Smelly pits, dirty teeth, stinky feet.

They'll keep you growing if you're fleet.

The problem is that in third world countries, most people don't have indoor plumbing. Therefore, it's hard to bathe on a regular basis and attend to your hygiene.

Here's my idea. P&G should help build water and sanitation systems in the countries where it wants to grow. It will be seen as a good citizen, it will get tax deductions, and, best of all, it will reap handsome benefits when people start washing and using P&G products to keep themselves clean. Brilliant idea, isn't it? Mr. Lafley, if you implement my idea, be sure to send me 5% of the sales increase this idea will generate.

November 23, 2003

Howard Jacobson wrote here "The monster [cement mixer] came and poured the concrete foundation. We watched in awe as the grey sludge oozed out of the shoot." Howie, buddy, the word you're looking for is "chute" not "shoot." If your readers get the impression that your spelling is a crapshoot, they'll flush your article right down the crap chute.

November 24, 2003

One of the average Joes on Average Joe said "I'm not gay, but those guys [the three 'hunks'] are really good looking." How come you never hear a woman say "I'm not a lesbian, but that woman is really beautiful"? Are women more secure in their sexuality?

November 25, 2003

The wife of Neil Bush, George Bush's younger brother is divorcing him because of his relationship with another woman. He admitted in a deposition taken in March as part of his divorce that he had sex with women in Thailand and Hong Kong.

The women, he said, simply knocked on the door of his hotel room, entered and had sex with him. [Yeah, right. It happened so fast, he didn't realize what was happening to him before it was over.]

He said he did not know they were prostitutes since they never asked for money and he did not pay them. [And he also admitted he believes in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Of course by now you've guessed the prostitutes were sent as a gift by his business associates. Is he really this stupid or does he think everyone else is stupid?]

"Mr. Bush, you have to admit it's a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her," his wife's attorney said. "It was very unusual," Bush replied ["But I am so irresistible to women that I was not surprised. They can't help themselves." Or he could have said: "I just figured they were groupies and they mistook me for Tony Bennett." Or: "God has always been good to me and provided for all my needs. This is no different."]

November 27, 2003

It's official! Tiger Woods will marry a Swedish model, ya! Millions of black women are pissed off. Another successful black man chooses a white woman to go along with his other status symbols like the Lexus and the mansion. Tiger just joined the club of guys like Clarence Thomas and O.J. Simpson. Black women are sick and tired of supporting their men when they are poor, jobless, or irresponsible and being snubbed when they make it.

How come the reverse isn't true? You don't see successful white men marrying black women. Neither do you see successful black women getting their trophy white husbands. Oprah, baby! Call me! What are you waiting for?

I say to black women it's time to act, girlfriends. Unless and until a man is willing to marry you, to be faithful to you, and to hold down a good job, don't have sex with him. Trust me. Things will change in a hurry.

November 28, 2003

Donald Rumselfd said in a recently leaked memo about Iraq: "Is our current situation such that 'the harder we work, the behinder we get?' " ... and, apparently, the worser our English becomes.

November 30, 2003

I was looking to buy a certain product. I emailed a broker (who sells nothing but that product) a description of what I wanted. His verbatim reply: "Wow, you want what all my buyers want. We don't have anything like that right now. Good luck." Call me crazy but I thought a business was supposed to sell what buyers want.

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