Wanna know what I think? Well, I'll tell you what I think.

As you'll discover, my point of view is definitely different. Read my thoughts, learn a few things, have a chuckle.

October 1, 2003

There is corn syrup everywhere! If you pick up a can of mango juice, what's the top ingredient? Mango juice you say? That would be too easy. The top ingredient is water, with high fructose corn syrup a close second. So you're just drinking sugar water with mango flavoring. Ditto for all sodas: sugar water with various flavorings.

What's the top ingredient in store-bought sherbert (after water)? High fructose corn syrup again. Apple pies are turned into a stomach-turning, gooey mess by corn syrup shoveled from 55-gallon drums. You even find corn syrup in ketchup, barbecue sauce and baked beans!

Why is corn syrup everywhere? Because it's so cheap. Why should a company spend money on mango juice when they can sell you cheap sugar water with mango flavor? Why should you care? Because you're getting ripped off and becoming obese in the process. Corn syrup has a high calorie density. You can ingest a lot of it and it doesn't fill you up -- yet it packs a lot of calories. What happens to the extra calories you take in? Your body stores them as fat. You don't need to eat a fatty diet to get fat. Eating too many calories is what makes you fat.

We don't need to drill for oil in Alaska when we've become the world's largest producer of renewable energy. Because, you see, nobody is better than we are at converting drums of corn syrup into tubs of lard. Lard can be used as a fuel, instead of home heating oil or coal. I've calculated that all the extra fat we Americans are carrying around would satisfy our nation's energy needs for 8.7 years. Roseanne! My car is out of fuel, could you please hook yourself up to the liposuction machine?

October 3, 2003

A cheesy pick-up line I overheard recently: hi, the name is Ed. Sex Ed. But you can call me Sex.

October 5, 2003

I am in Washington, DC for a few days. It's nice to be in a city with a decent public transportation system. The metro (subway) is clean, safe, and efficient. Two things I noticed:

1) The floor of the subway cars is lined with a tacky orange carpet that's invariably dirty. Why not have a black rubber floor such as those you find in airports? It's easy to keep it looking brand new and it would make the cars look much cleaner.

2) The escalators leading into the subway are open to the elements. When it rains, they get wet. I wondered if that might be the reason the escalators are oftentimes not working. Sure enough, a couple of days later I picked up the paper and read that there was a project underway to put canopies over all the metro entrances to protect the escalators and keep them from breaking down as often. They should have consulted me when they built the subways :) By the way, some of those escalators are truly impressive. They are long and steep. As you look down into the abyss, it feels as though you are being lowered into the bowels of the earth while suspended by cables attached to your back.

I walked through Georgetown and many other Washington neighborhoods and marveled at how pedestrian the city is. Where I live, if you're seen walking, people stop to ask if your car has broken down and if you need help. When people visit from other countries and see not one pedestrian in sight, they ask if it's a public holiday.

I visited the Lincoln Memorial. As I was leaving, I asked a policeman in his patrol car where the nearest metro station was. He said it was Arlington Cemetery. I learned the hard way it wasn't the nearest. I had to walk forever and cross a long bridge over the Potomac. Just then a black helicopter swooshed 30 ft over my head in the direction of the White House. Et tu, Dick Cheney? I was almost run over by a female driver who was coming from the cemetery and failed to stop at a stop sign. Whose ghost has she just seen? I got to the subway station and found out it closes at 7 pm to coincide with the cemetery's hours. I was ready to wring the policeman's neck but his incompetence saved him: he'd sent me so far, I didn't have the strength to walk all the way back.

Just then, as luck would have it, I ran into a couple from Ohio who had also discovered the station was closed. We decided to share a cab. I hailed one and we got in. They asked to be taken to their hotel. I requested to be dropped off at any metro station along the way. When we got there, I pulled my wallet out to pay my share but the man would have none of it. I thanked him profusely and was glad I had given my karma a boost yesterday when I helped that blind man in the subway. Oh, I forget to tell you about that. I was getting ready to board the subway when I noticed a man with dark glasses and a pole. He was asking whether he was on the Franconia platform but no one would answer him. I walked up to him and told him that he was indeed on the right platform. He walked to the end of the platform but then turned around and came back in my direction. I asked him if he needed help boarding the metro car. He said he was actually looking for the exit. I said I'd be glad to help him. He instructed me to hold his arm and lead him to the escalator. Just when I did that, I heard people behind me hooting and hollering. I turned around and saw a heavyset, hairy young man wearing nothing but a lace-fringed camisole and high heels. I got my charge safely on the escalator. He thanked me and said he knew the rest of the way from here. I boarded the next train thinking about what a blessing it is to have the gift of sight. I was a bit late for my appointment but I had an excellent reason.

The subway is fertile grounds for stories. One time, the man sitting next to me on the train was reading a memo from the White House. I got to sneak a peek but I can't tell you what I read since the letter was marked classified. Another time, the subway car was taken over by a hundred excited high school girls, a big gaggle of giggling, giddy girls! God! Now repeat it ten times, really fast: "a big gaggle of giggling, giddy girls! God!" One of them thought I was a famous movie star. As if on cue, they pounced on me and started tearing at my clothes and hair. I was lucky I escaped with my life.

Once, while waiting on the platform, I overheard the guy standing next to me talking on his cell phone. He was describing a wedding he'd been to. He said family members had come from all over the country. He mentioned aunt Gertrude from Idaho and aunt Mabel from Martha's Vineyard. He said it was a grand, traditional wedding. The only difference was that, instead of a bride and groom, there were two brides, dressed in beautiful, white wedding gowns. Just then, his train pulled in and he got on board. I didn't get to hear the rest of the story.

My stay in DC was fruitful. I met on Capitol Hill with several members of Congress to lobby for a cause I'm involved with. I got to "walk the corridors of power." It was interesting to see the names of famous lawmakers on the doors . I even crossed paths with a couple of them. All the buildings that house the congressional offices are linked by tunnels. It's a veritable city down there. There's even a credit union, a barber, and a Starbucks. I was duly impressed by the congressmen's and senators' offices: high-ceilings, large windows that frame the Capitol. The officeholder sits behind a large desk, the U.S. flag hangs to one side, his state's flag to the other side. Family pictures on the desk face towards visitors so they can see this is a family man. Attractive young legislative assistants eagerly take note of every word you say. A senior advisor in a bow tie listens attentively. The office itself is as large as a studio apartment. There is even a sofa bed so the senator can take a quick nap. It is quite a feeling to think that you, a humble, ordinary citizen, are in the offices of the people who govern the most powerful nation the world has ever known. And they are listening to your opinion, agreeing with your point of view, and resolving to lend their support. Wow! Vive la démocracie!

I dined at the home of a senior Pentagon official. We discussed the situation in Iraq. He said the six U.S. casualties a week we are averaging are quite tolerable. Maybe so but I bet the parents, spouses, children, and siblings of those killed in action would beg to disagree.

I went to the State Department and took their interpreting test. They had been skeptical about even letting me take the test since I had no experience interpreting. They were bowled over when I passed the test with flying colors. Hey, I'm not a member of Mensa for nothing! Working with the State Department sounds exciting but a lot of jobs of pure drudgery. Can you imagine working as a consular officer in Karachi? Being U.S. Ambassador in a European capital, now that would be exciting. I wonder how much money I would have to raise for a winning presidential candidate to get an ambassadorial appointment?

October 15, 2003

The Chinese have launched their first manned rocket. They didn't allow live coverage of the launch because they were afraid the rocket might blow up.

Question: What goes up yellow and comes back down white?

Answer: A very scared Chinese astronaut.

October 17, 2003

After Washington, I went to New York. I visited the U.N. headquarters. You have to go through a metal detector and put your bags through an X-ray machine. However, the security setup needs some improvement. As I was leaving the building, a man entered through the exit doors, bypassing the entire security setup. I told him he couldn't enter this way but he just glowered at me and rushed towards the down escalators. I went back in and told the two security guards who were chatting together. They both ran after the man, leaving the doors unguarded. Who trained these rent-a-cops? How Inepto!

October 19, 2003

Why do I want to be rich? Not to accumulate a lot of possessions but to be free. Instead of working for The Man, I want to be "da Man."

October 20, 2003

Several centuries ago, epidemics would spread rapidly due to people's drinking at public fountains from cups that were chained to the fountain. Since everyone used the same cups, if one person had a contagious disease, everyone who drank from that same cup after that person got sick. When the cups were eliminated, the spread of epidemics slowed down considerably.

Nowadays, a lot of diseases, including the common cold and the flu which cost the economy billions a year, are transmitted because people touch the same door handles, elevators buttons, restroom faucets, etc. I was at Borders yesterday and watched as a woman with a cold repeatedly sneezed into her hands and then used a computer to find a book. Many other customers then used the computer and a good number of them will get sick. In restaurants, even employees who wash their hands when they go to the bathroom (many of them don't) get them dirty again as soon as they touch the door handle to leave the bathroom.

It's time we applied the "cup solution" to these vehicles for disease. First of all, get rid of door handles in public places. You can have automatic doors, or S-shaped entryways without doors (like you see in some airport restrooms), or simply doors that can be pushed open with one's foot. Then install sensors on the faucets, soap dispensers, and paper towel dispensers. In elevators, install buttons at foot level to push with one's foot. And finally, get everyone to cover their sneezes with their elbows instead of their hands. Oh, and one more thing. Will you please stop using handkerchiefs to blow your noses! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. How do you even wash those things? I once saw a couple with the flu sharing the same handkerchief. Puh-lease! It's the 21st century people. Use paper tissues.

October 27, 2003

I was stuck with an obese person next to me on the plane. He insisted on lifting the armrest so he could use part of my seat. I resisted. He called the flight attendant. She told him the airline's policy is that obese individuals have to buy two seats. He said that was discrimination. Fine, then stay within the confines of your seat! Then I hit upon the solution: move him to the seat in between two other obese folks, three rows forward. Let them fight it out amongst themselves. He said he would suffocate in the small space left in between the other two people. Aha! Now he's starting to understand how I feel. The flight attendant gave him two options: keep the armrest down or move to the other seat. He put up such a fuss that she called security and had him escorted off the plane. He yelled as he was led away that he would never fly this airline again. Good riddance my friend!

October 29, 2003

The wildfires are still raging in California. Every day on the news, you see hundreds upon hundreds of burned out homes. The only things still standing are the fireplaces. Makes sense, since they are made to hold fires. Here's a bright idea: why not build homes out of stone or brick? Chicagoans learned that lesson way back in 1871 when the Great Chicago Fire occurred. Why was that lesson forgotten?

October 30, 2003

On Prime Time Thursday, the whole show focused on Patricia Cornwell, the crime writer, and her investigation into Princess Diana's death. She said the fact that there were no skid marks at the scene of the crash where Princess Diana died means that the driver did not hit the brakes. Funny how no one at ABC realized how uninformed this opinion is. The Mercedes had ABS brakes. The whole purpose of an anti-lock brake system is to avoid skidding. The absence of skid marks in no way means that the driver did not apply the brakes. Pretty much everything else Ms. Conrwell said was equally lacking in substance. Why did Prime Time choose to give her views such prominent coverage? Because her name will help boost ratings and substance be damned?

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